A stream of consciousness is a writing exercise/style where you dump out all the thoughts in your brain, without editing or trying to create structure, just letting it all flow. (I did edit a bit for clarity though, and used line breaks to form some sense of structure.)
not working and working
a false dichotomy
because to work
(especially creative work)
(especially work that exhausts my brain or body)
I also need to not work
it’s not an or situation
it’s an and situation
and I’m so tired
and I can’t - er - haven’t stop(ped) feeling guilty for
the not work
not all the time
sometimes I can
feel good in the not work
but sometimes the part of me with the voice that says
should
has too strong of a hold on my guts
and sometimes
when I’m not working
it feels so good
and I wonder
if I’ll ever want to work again
and I’ll wonder if I’ll ever do the work
I need to do
so that I can not work
some more
I’m tired of the fragmented focus, of leaving the space and the time half-filled, so here’s an attempt to fill it all up - because in order to get what we’ve never had or do what we’ve never done - I’ve never had - never done - we must do what we’ve never done - wait I messed that up - I made a mess - a misunderstanding - what if everything is a misunderstanding, maybe then it won’t matter if I’m misunderstood or understood or stood under or misstood. Maybe then it won’t matter how long someone looks at me, not smiling, how someone looks right past me when I’m talking and only offers a sorry and not a question to hear what I said, maybe then
working / not working
caring / not caring
thinking / not thinking
creating / not creating
but also
working / resting to work / not working / working to rest
caring / fortifying to care / not caring / caring to fortify
thinking / emptying to focus / not thinking / focusing to empty
creating / consuming to create / not creating / creating to consume
the circle of life
is to work
then not work
and sometimes the work is the work
and sometimes the work is to ask people to see you
and sometimes the work is to connect with strangers
and sometimes the work is to connect with friends
and sometimes the work is to connect with yourself
to fill your life to fill your page to fill the air with sound waves to fill the air with color to fill your words with emotion to fill your days with work and play and preparation and presence to fill your hands with paper to fill your brain with leaves to fill your sky with sunshine to fill your presence with softness to fill your spaces with you to fill the past with laughter to fill the future with human-grade love to fill your bed with roses to fill your kitchen with blue to fill your fridge with rice to fill your nonsense with sense to fill your screens with static to fill your breath with sleep
✌🏽+💗,
SJ
instagram: @themostawful
youtube: SJ’s Screen
Next week:
I think this is officially a stream of consciousness newsletter. Sorry, not sorry. (But also I’ll use other sections for work/product updates!) This just feels too good to stop doing.