15. what is your body saying
A Sunday stream of consciousness on listening and speaking to your body
A stream of consciousness is a writing exercise/style where you dump out all the thoughts in your brain, without editing or trying to create structure, just letting it all flow. (I do edit a bit for clarity though, and may use line breaks to form some sense of structure.)
I watched a reel on Instagram yesterday where a young woman talked about listening to a different voice or energy in you - she instructed you to close a hand into a fist and to not open it. Then she said to send it thoughts about opening. To say to it with your mind, “open”. The idea is that even if your brain is telling you to do something, there’s another energy that drives and commands you. It’s a deeper, less articulate one. It can be your body.
What’s my body saying? See, here’s the thing, it feels like sometimes, I can’t trust my body. Or maybe I’ve just convinced myself I can’t. Because if I follow what it wants, I would do nothing, a lot more.
I would squander away my time, my day, day after day.
Or maybe that’s the fear. Maybe my body is asking for rest (clearly). But I don’t want to rest as much as my body wants to rest. I’m convinced I don’t have the time.
Then I think of a quote I heard. I don’t remember how it goes, but the gist of it was: if you don’t make time to rest, your body will make you. Meaning, it’ll break down. It’s a story I’ve heard a lot from people who were over-achievers or just really all in at work. They go too hard, their bodies literally break down, they’re forced to slow down, they figure out how to live a balanced life.
It’s kinda effed, but sometimes I wish I were that lucky. But no, I didn’t want to get that far, so I removed myself from work. I should be in the figuring it out part -
wait - I want to go in a different direction (that deeper voice is saying something like wrong direction). How nice, it doesn’t like the shoulds.
My body is saying it wants to rest. My body is saying it wants to take things slow. My body is saying it wants to stretch and be present and be a conduit for creative energy not anxious energy. My body is saying I can trust it and its internal balance system. My body is saying it won’t let me “squander away my time, my day, day after day”, if I just check in with it frequently, if I stay in touch.
Are we the same?
My body is saying I want to rest. My body is saying I want to take things slow. My body is saying I want to stretch and be present and be a conduit for creative energy not anxious energy. My body is saying I can trust myself and my internal balance system. My body is saying I won’t let me “squander away my time, my day, day after day”, if I just check in with myself frequently, if I stay in touch.
I read a book recently (I’ll try to remember which one and link it here) that made a big fuss about loving your body - not in the self-image way - but in the literal, giving physical affection to yourself - through self-hugs and soft touch and supportive touch.
What am I telling my body?
I am saying we don’t have time to rest. I am saying we don’t have time to play. I am saying we need to do things a certain way, work on certain things, be present in a certain way. I am saying it’s not safe to relax. I am saying it’s not safe to be present. I am saying not to trust other people, that they won’t understand, don’t really want to connect.
Oof.
Are we the same?
I am saying I don’t have time to rest. I am saying I don’t have time to play. I am saying I need to do things a certain way, work on certain things, be present in a certain way. I am saying I am not safe to relax. I am saying I am not safe to be present. I am saying not to trust other people, that they won’t understand, don’t really want to connect.
I haven’t read it, but my cousin told me about the book The Four Agreements. Which offers 4 agreements to live by for a fulfilling life. One of them is to be impeccable with your word. I think this is an example of that.
To go from separating my body and my self, to including my body as part of myself. To go from avoiding self-responsibility by using a royal “we”, to fully claiming the harsh things I’m saying to myself.
What do I want to say to my body?
Right now, just thank you. And I’ll work on making checking in a part of my daily life. And I’ll work on offering myself and my body the physical support I can. And that I trust my sense of balance.
✌🏽+💗,
SJ
instagram: @themostawful
youtube: SJ’s Screen
Coming up:
I haven’t started the weekly recap yet. Let’s see if this is the week.
These Sunday newsletters are going to stay stream of consciousness because it just feels good.